Jadian Mountonian
by Xtremesilly1563
Summary: I decided to revert to my old ways for this story. However, this will be with the mentality of actual comedy, not random funny like some of my older stuff. I've seen this archive take a depressing leap into cliches and sadness ever since Critics United came along, so I just thought I'd give you all this. Leave a review if you liked it if you want me to make a new chapter. :)


**AU where it's a modern world I guess. Everything is the same just modern tech and stuff**

 **Here. SuperHuman chap 1 should be out soon. Trying to make my stories have a more actual humor element to them instead of just randomness. I'm changing as an author.**

 **Feels good.**

Tsunami: *busy doing paperwork, the whole desk is covered in papers*

Clay: *bursts into the room* Tsunami! You really have to- oh good. You're finally doing your paperwork. You've been the headmaster of this school for *checks watch* 5 years and I have never seen you do any paperwork _once._

Tsunami: … Oh yes. Yes, I finally got around to doing it. Thanks for reminding me, Clay.

Clay: which papers are you reading right now?

Tsunami: Oh. You know. The business- I mean- school ones. The ones about school.

Clay: But that's all of them. Let me see it. *reaches toward paper*

Tsunami: Hey! This is confidential information! You are breaking the laws of privacy!

Clay: there are no laws on privacy. I don't think we have laws in general. Ever see a police officer _ever?_ No! Nobody does! Now give me that paper!

Tsunami: I think it'd be better if you saw it when it's done. Like a surprise. A surprise party! For you!

Clay: About the paper?

Tsunami: yes.

Clay:

Tsunami:

Clay:

Tsunami:

Clay: *grabs the paper out of Tsunami's hands* *reads it for 3 minutes* this isn't even paperwork, you were playing tic tac toe with yourself!

Tsunami: No I wasn't! I was doing paperwork!

Clay: How do you even do that? How do you play tic-tac-toe with _yourself?_ That doesn't even make any sense! *grabs other papers from desk* Is that what _all_ of these are? How long have you been doing this?

Tsunami: *checks watch*can't really see it… *puts on glasses, checks watch again.* 3 days.

Clay: and have you eaten? Have you slept?

Tsunami: I took a snack break here and there…

Clay: How many possible games even are there? With yourself? You never got bored?

Tsunami: Sometimes the other player is very unpredictable-

Clay: YOU ARE THE OTHER PLAYER!

Tsunami: Okay, okay okay. What paperwork should I start on?

Clay: uh, *opens filing cabinet* how about- *looks at Tsunami* There's nothing in here.

Tsunami: What?

Clay: *opens all and slams all drawers* There is nothing in this filing cabinet. It's completely empty.

Tsunami: Yeah I haven't filled it yet.

Clay: Why'd you buy it?

Tsunami: I needed a filing cabinet.

Clay: But you don't even have anything to put in it!

Tsunami: It's for paperwork!

Clay: you don't even do paperwork, you just sit here playing tic-tac-toe with yourself for days straight! Where even is all of your paperwork anyway?

Tsunami: I keep it in a black plastic bag. Hold on let me find it…

Clay: A black plastic bag. You mean a garbage bag? The ones we throw out?

Tsunami: Yeah I used one of those bags. I swear I left it over by the door. It's been there for days.

Clay: Over by the door? Right next to your trash can and recycling bin? Someone probably threw it out! We take trash bags and bring them to the dump!

Tsunami: So you're telling me that some idiot threw away all my paperwork? Why would someone do something like that?

Clay: Only because it was in a black trash bag!

Tsunami: Hey, don't call my important paperwork trash!

Clay: I wasn't- what?

Tsunami: I think that the paperwork a headmaster of a school does would be very important, it's not easy to be a headmaster, you know.

Clay: IT IS WHEN YOU ONLY PLAY WITH YOURSELF ALL DAY!

Tsunami: CLAY! That is a very serious accusation! Don't you dare say that ever again!

Clay: I was talking about the tic-tac-toe! Your brain hears what it wants to hear.

Tsunami: I seriously don't think that one was my brain's fault. I mean, you said it pretty cut and dry.

Clay: *sigh* alright, I get it. Ha ha ha, Mrs funny. It's not been easy on my side either, you know. Ever since Starflight lost his eyes, I have to be the one who keeps you in check.

Tsunami: Yeah. I understand. Its also been hard since we lost Sunny to some undefined fictitious thing. It's just us running this place now.

Clay: and Webs.

Tsunami: Webs is alive? I thought he died like *checks watch* 7 months ago.

Clay: Why would you assume that he died?

Tsunami: Well I stopped hearing from him, and knowing him I just assumed he got himself killed.

Clay: out of all the things you've said today, that has got to be the least ridiculous yet.

Tsunami: *look of confusion* Don't you mean the most?

Clay: nope. I once went a week thinking he'd died. Turns out he was just taking a power nap.

Tsunami: For a week?

Clay: No it was only half an hour I was just high.

Tsunami: Ah. Well alright then. I would never put it past you.

Clay: Neither would Webs. When I started burying him he just got up and promptly asked me where the line was so he could snort some himself.

Tsunami: Ahhhhh. Speaking of which, where would a nice fella like you find some of that anyway?

Clay: A magician never reveals his secrets.

Tsunami: haha nice.

Clay: You like it? That's also what I said to the students when they asked me what happened to all the Viagra.

Tsunami: Ok well I'm just going to pretend I never heard that moving on now. Paperwork. In the trash. Never to be seen again. What a pity.

Clay: Well I'll just have to ask Starflight how the printer works and print some new ones.

Clay: Hey Starflight, can you show me how to use this printer?

Starflight: Yes, you press these buttons: I, A, M, B, L, I, N, D.

Clay: *pressing buttons* hmmm, I don't think that worked. Uh oh, I think I just set it to reverse.

Starflight: Reverse? What printer would ever have a reverse setting?

Clay: I don't know… *hand gets sucked into printer* Oh! This one does! Ahhh, Starflight help! I can feel it un-coloring my talon! Look, the overpriced printer ink is getting refilled!

Starflight: It's a miracle! Quickly! Clay! Go get worthless objects that are *reads paper* Cyan, Magenta, and Yellow!

Clay: Starflight! Translate that in a way I can understand it!

Starflight: Light blue, rip-off purple and yellow!

Clay: Got it. *tears off hand and dashes away*

Starflight: I wonder if Clay is like a starfish and can just lose and regrow limbs. I wonder if that's why he eats so much. That would have been nice to know when he got bitten by the viper.

Clay: *comes back with Tsunami* Will she do?

Tsunami: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Clay: If you set the printer to reverse and put something in, it refills the ink cartridges.

Tsunami: Alright, I'll take it. That seems like a worthy sacrifice. BENDY AND THE INK MACHINE REFERENCE! *gets sucked inside printer*

Clay: Three moons! It generated entirely new cartridges! Starflight, we now have 37 cyan cartridges!

Starflight: Was it really worth sacrificing the life of our headmaster to save some money on ink cartridges?

Clay: Yes.

Starflight: Yes, you're right.

Clay:….

Starflight:…

Clay:….

Starflight: Wait, I said worthless objects and you came back with Tsun-

Clay: Don't think too hard about it.

Starflight: Step right up, step right up! Bring something you don't want and we'll save hundreds on overpriced printer ink!

Random student: I don't have a will to live. Can I kill myself for the cause?

Clay: You're an IceWing. Sorry, can't help ya. There's a rope in the supply closet. Knock yourself out. *wink*

Random student: Yaaaayyy! *runs off*

Starflight: aahhhh. Business is good. Hey, shouldn't these kids be in class?

Clay: Well, now we're the only teachers here, so who's gonna punish them?

Starflight: right. But wait, speaking of which, what happened to Webs, did he die?

Clay: Nah, I'm sure he's fine.

MEANWHILE, WEBS DIED.

Clay: *gets handed purple plate* NO! *chucks plate* *distant scream of agony* THAT WASN'T MAGENTA, PYTHON. IT WAS PURPLE.

Python: *whimpers* I- I'm sorry, Clay. I don't know what Magenta looks like.

Clay: IT'S A MINECRAFT DYE, KID. COME BACK WHEN YOU'VE DONE YOUR STUDYING. *cocks gun* You might not be so lucky next time.

Python: *runs away crying*

Starflight: jeez, Clay. Don't you think that's a little harsh?

Clay: Don't bring in purple unless- man I was gonna make a rhyme here, but I just can't think of anything. Oh well. You know, like don't do the time if you can't do the crime?

Starflight: Yes, I know what you mean.

Starflight: Boy I sure love having all this printer ink. Welp, time to print something for the first time on ink. Just gotta make sure there's paper… Good Moons!

Tsunami: Hi. I've been in here the whole time. When it decolors something, it doesn't just completely disintegrate Spider-Man style. You just lose all your color. It's quite cramped with all these random objects in here.

Starflight: Well come out! It's been hard with just me and Clay!

Tsunami: what about Webs? He didn't die, did he?

Starflight: no, I'm sure he's fine, just haven't seen him.

Tsunami: well… okay then. Shoot, there's somebody's bucket on my horns.

Clay: *walks in* *gasp* Tsunami! You look awfully pail!

Tsunami: Yeah, because I got decolored, remember?

Clay: yes I just- it was a- oh forget it. I am surprised you're still alive though.

Clay: *eating*

Tsunami: *walks in* Clay, are you just eating plain bread?

Clay: No, I'm eating toast.

Tsunami: No, it's just bread.

Clay: No, it's uncooked. Uncooked toast

Tsunami: yeah. That's just bread.

Clay: No, bread doesn't exist. Bread is just a conspiracy set up by the government to sell more bread. It's all really just uncooked toast, FLAVORED like bread.

Tsunami: How can it be flavored like bread if bread doesn't exist?

Clay: It's artificial flavoring. Tsunami, it's people like you that make it so easy for the government to trick the masses.

Tsunami: Clay, that doesn't make any-

Clay: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH, TSUNAMI.

Tsunami: Well… alright then.

Starflight: *runs in* GUYS! IT'S WEBS! HE'S DEAD!

Clay: Alright Starflight, where's the line?

Starflight: I'm not high or drunk or anything like you are Clay! Webs actually died!

Tsunami: Yeah yeah, good one Starflight. We've all thought it. Go back to the library where you… do whatever it is you do.

Starflight: Shut up, Tsunami! I know he's dead! There are students weeping over his body!

Clay: I you _sure_ it isn't Fatespeaker? She's rather small and very sensitive.

Tsunami: Hey, speaking of which. Where is she? Shouldn't she have been helping you guys turn objects into overpriced printer ink?

Starflight: yeah, she… wait… maybe she's the one who killed Webs! She's been gone all day! And so has Webs!

Clay: Heh. So one of us finally went and did it. Honestly, he lasted much longer than I thought he would've. When he accidentally murdered that kid, I really thought-

Starflight: That's not important right now Clay. What's important is that somebody here killed Webs. Probably Fatespeaker. But we don't know for sure. Come, look at the body. You guys should investigate for clues.

Tsunami: *Walking down the hall, dragonet opens supply closet in background, screams and runs away.* So, Starflight, are you sure it's Webs who died? I mean, if you couldn't see the body, how can you be so sure it was him?

Starflight: Because I asked somebody.

Clay: Who? They might've tried to deceive you.

Starflight: Qibli.

Clay: Hmmm. Well, I know who did it. It's always the butler.

Starflight: Clay, we don't have a butler.

Clay: Then let's hire a butler and blame it on him.

Tsunami: Excellent plan, Clay! I love it. Who shall we hire?

Clay I dunno, check the Classifieds.

Tsunami: Oop, here's one with the perfect pretentious name. It's Charles Harold Donavan. The perfect name for a murderer.

Starflight: So instead of figuring out who in the school is a murderer, we're just going to hire a butler to frame for it?

Tsunami: Yep.

Starflight: What if another person dies?

Tsunami: We'll hire another butler, Starflight. God, how stupid are you?

 **To be continued?**

 **Seriously I don't know. It depends on how well this is received if I should split my time between this and SuperHuman. So if you liked this, please leave a review, even if you're just a guest, it goes a long way.**


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